instead writing about Padli. I today feel like wanted to write about her, about adik.
Restlessness.. this guilt.
everytime i know something about them from him, it was too late. i mean, i fell for Padli before knowing about her. I let myself love Padli only then I knew he was in contact with a girl. I asked him if she is his lover, but he refused to tell me the truth, instead he kept saying that " tak tahu, sama ada kekasih atau bukan.. kadang berhubung, kadang tak. jumpa pun jarang" He told me he went to her house during Raya, ONCE, and he EMPHASISED that he attend Raya at her house as a guest- he meant in a way that saying that he was not someone special, just a guest, a friend visiting a friend's house during Raya. And that, "awal perhubungan" he said, "rasa teruja, rasa excited utk kenal dgn adik" but as time goes by, he felt that their contact was flat "perkenalan kami mendatar". that's how a relationship would be. there are phases, phases when you two were madly into each other and then there will come a time when it's been long, the feelings began to drop. I should know that better. but instead, i understood the situation as "Maybe there weren't that serious".
Padli and I kept on contacting each other,despite knowing that i was with Rafie. Contact, I mean trying to develop our feeling. understand each other. I allowed myself too much. I let him in, I put him first and put back Rafie, which is something i shouldn't do, but I did. I let too much.. "terlalu membenarkan.." I rarely ask about adik in the beginning, though I know about her. but because i thought there were not serious, i didnt put too much worry about them, instead, in the beginning, it was about Padli, Rafie and I. I let myself too much to love Padli, that several times, I asked Rafie to just let me go.. but he told me he still want to try, he is staying, that he doesn't want to give up. and I think, I need to give him a chance to prove himself. but my actions did not approve that. I acted cold to him, I seldom text him, instead I regularly texted Padli. in the surface, Rafie is my lover but i treated him like a friend, whereas, Padli is a friend, who I treated as my lover. Irony. I acted irrationally. I allow myself too much to accept Padli.
but funny thing is that, while i was so bersungguh-sungguh to let him to be in my heart that I kept denying Rafie, he was keeping adik, and still asked her to hold on to him. which I knew afterwards, and it really killed my ego. and I only realised this after he told me that adik has let her go. that was on June if i'm not mistaken, some time during Ramadhan.
I can't continue to write anymore.
Now, at this moment, I still want to believe. That, there is hope. For us, there is hope. Untuk kita, harapan masih ada.
