Since I have reverted to Muslim. The first thing that kept appeared in my mind was to get married. My early reversion period, the one and only person I wanted to get married with was Padli. even though that time, I knew I had Rafie who was waiting for me and Padli has Shima who was also waiting for her. I believed that we somehow can make our relationship work, we want to make this work. This was my first test from Allah. Ujian hati dan perasaan. It took so long to settle this test. Even until now, after a year and 5 months, I'm still finding ways to look for certainty. to let go or still hoping. However, at least now, we have decided to stop this. Once and for all. We knew that whenever we're close, we only bring ourselves away from Allah. and for this reason, I need to be strong, and be away from him. stay apart from him. Furthermore, it would be hard for him to be with me. he needs to ambil hati my family, his family still need him, he needs to support his family financially, I may have to wait long for him to come to me. To make him easy, I should let him go. And he have decided the same. He gave up. He believed that there would be no way. As for me, I don't know. Sometimes, I still want to believe. But i know it would be hard. and the only way is to pray, and hope for Allah to provide ways, ease the way, unite us again in the future in a better circumstance, in the right time. But at the same time, I learned that, Allah knows the best. things that i thought would be good for me, may be not as I expected it to be. What I do now, is to keep praying. and even if we're not meant to be. I pray for his happiness and pray for my sincerity to let him go. In case, he is really not meant to be. and if there is still hope, I'll just pray that. that time, Allah will make it easy for us, and we're at a better circumstances. only Allah knows, why am I being so stubborn. Only He knew, what we have gone through, what have we shared together, our dream, our hope, and what have I done, to look for certainty in that while I was still confused. and so, I let Allah to decide this. Whatever it is. I just want the ending will keep us closer to Allah.
it is almost the end of our degree course. and the nest test Allah have put me into was Friendship.
Saturday, 29 August 2015
Thursday, 15 January 2015
Confusion
My struggles. I know, I shouldn't let myself be miserable again. But, for the moment, I am still struggling to let go or to hold on to this feeling. I have no idea how will the future be like. But I can't hold him any longer, he is with someone else. And in Islam, they are considered engaged. I have no right to ask him to stay nor do I have no right to make him choose me. I know I have troubled-heart too. So, let him go is the best thing I can do for him. We bring no good to each other, we aimed to make ourselves closer to Allah but our action did not prove that. We made Allah mad, and Allah tidak redha dengan hubungan ni. I know he loves him too, so I ask Allah to free myself, to avoid myself to attach my heart to someone who is not written for me. I cannot tell him that I want to let go because I still don't feel like I want to. But what I know now is that, I need to keep distance from him. I need to stay away from him. Not that I want to gaduh-gaduh with him. But I'm just building a wall. At least when the time he made the decision to really let go, I'm ready. or maybe, I made the decision to let go, I'm ready.
I fought, but if Allah has set this destiny, this road that we are taking, to be like this, I cannot complain. All that I can do is ask for His strength to help me to get me through this. And if somehow this road is meant to diverge, and we are to walk in our own road, separately, there's nothing else I can do other than to ACCEPT.
entahlah.
SALAH AKU!
memberi ruang untuk padli dalam hati ini..
dan dia memberi harapan yang tulus mulus indah utk membimbing aku
salah aku, membenarkan diri utk percaya dgn dia.
salah dia, memberi harapan utk aku sedangkan dia sendiri tiada kepastian.
salah aku, terlalu berharap dgn dia utk perubahan diri aku sdgkan aku tahu, dia ada org lain.
salah dia, masih pertahankan aku instead of lepaskan aku. dia tahu diri tu da berpunya, tak pyahlah mau layan sgt. ni siap bagi hrapan dgn aku. he knows what i need, he knows i am weak, sepatutnya, dialah yang patut membuat kputusan.
i am mad to know the fact that kamu tdk pernah putus, sedangkan hari-hari aku dalam kegelisahan sebab rasa bersalah. i thought i caused him to lose her, that i feel i am so reponsible to teruskan hubgn dgn dia that i treated Rafie so cold. I made him lose hope, i refused to text him dengan harapan utk membiasakan diri dia tanpa aku. sedangkan, dia.. hari-hari text dengan shima, dan bagi harapan lgi dgn dia. what did he expect when he contacted her?
but, sedar juga, bukan sepenuhnya salah dia. i made him hard to let me go. i truly believe that he really wants to make me his future wife and so i am preparing myself for him, i made him love me. try to let him accept me, the way i am, my past.. but while i am doing that, he too is convincing shima that he loves her.
cakap panjang2, bincang balik2.. semua ni tidak akan berakhir.. pusing-pusing cm hamster.. menjauh, itu lah yg trbaik. lepaskan.. bak kata msej tu. lepaskan. kalau rindu, titipkan dlm doa. berharap dgn Allah, sbaik2 perancang, Allah lah perancang terbaik. Allah maha mengetahui apa yang terbaik utk kita. aku mesti percaya tu. minta Allah lapangkan dada, redhakan hati dengan apa shja yg Allah sudah tentukan utk kita. jgn bermain dgn hati, love only when u're ready.. u're prepared enough, to commit.. bila suda berkemampuan, bila keadaan sudah mengizinkan, sudah bekerja, suda berduit untuk nikah dgn anak org. itulah sptutnya, time tu lah baru bercinta. utamakanlah apa yang utama. as for me, bgtu jg lah.. jaga hati, benarkan hati utk cintai seseorang bila orang tu betul2 da pasti, da bersedia, berkemampuan utk nikahi aku. Rugiiiii.. rugiiiii sgt... silaaaappp.. silaaaappp sgt... menyesal pun xguna, guna utk pengajaran ja la.. itulah yg trbaik.
jgn lagi, jgn lagi bebankn hati kita dgn msalah hati dan perasaan. iman tak ckup kukuh lagi, jgn kita goyahkan lagi iman dgn msalah hati. bhya, nmpak jg kan suda apa kita buat dgn diri kita bila kita benarkan masalah hati dan perasaan ni mengganggu iman kita. kita bagi akibat yang buruk utk khidupan kita d dunia & d akhirat jg. takut, i'm so afraid to know azab Allah d akhirat nnti utk penzina-akhirat, menjijikkan, menggerunkan.. takut, cannot imagine the pain..sgt menakutkan.
Ini semua satu ujian. ujian yang kalau kita teruskan, kita akan gagal. kita masing-masing sedar ujian ini menjauhkan kita dari Allah, tapi kita masih degil untuk menidakkan kenyataan yang sudah nyata. Hukuman bagi dosa yang kita lakukan adalah melakukan lebih banyak dosa. tiada istilah terlambat, selagi Allah masih pinjamkan nyawa ini untuk kita, itulah petunjuk dariNya untuk kita menambahbaikkan kekurangan dan kesalahan kita.
kita sangka kita ikhlas, tapi tidak... Allah lagi ikhlas. Kita sngka kita boleh jaga, tp silap, Allahlah penjaga terbaik. kita rasa kita sayng brabis, tapi sbnrnya Allah laaaagi syg kita brabis.
cukuplah Allah bagiku, Sebaik-baik penjaga, sebaik-baik penolong
Sunday, 30 November 2014
I hope you can hear this.
NO ONE except me, ONLY ME.
I have no friends or family to help me to keep holding. to keep this feeling of mine towards you. to keep hoping. no one, but me, just me. and when i'm weak, I really need someone to tell me that u're worth waiting, that we are possible. that, we can make this works. but, none. no one is going to say that to me, or make me feel so. no one.
and you, gone. no sign. i dont know what happen to you. I dont know how is your heart? "macam mana keadaan hati Padli sekarang?" I really want to ask that.. that simple "cantiksecantikcantiknya" tells me you're thinking about me.. and it made my days.. hmmm.. and i was waiting for your reply. but no. you didnt reply. and I kept waiting.. i slept late these few days only to wait for you reply. but, none. until now. until today. but none. no reply. frustrating. SAKIT. KOSONG.
Allah, forgive me, hati ini belum ikhlas. hati ini masih lemah dengan perasaan. masih kalah dengan emosi.
I have no friends or family to help me to keep holding. to keep this feeling of mine towards you. to keep hoping. no one, but me, just me. and when i'm weak, I really need someone to tell me that u're worth waiting, that we are possible. that, we can make this works. but, none. no one is going to say that to me, or make me feel so. no one.
and you, gone. no sign. i dont know what happen to you. I dont know how is your heart? "macam mana keadaan hati Padli sekarang?" I really want to ask that.. that simple "cantiksecantikcantiknya" tells me you're thinking about me.. and it made my days.. hmmm.. and i was waiting for your reply. but no. you didnt reply. and I kept waiting.. i slept late these few days only to wait for you reply. but, none. until now. until today. but none. no reply. frustrating. SAKIT. KOSONG.
Allah, forgive me, hati ini belum ikhlas. hati ini masih lemah dengan perasaan. masih kalah dengan emosi.
We are doing this for the sake of Allah, Allah, please... help me.. help me to keep this feeling, jagakan hati ini, Allah.. even if the whole world is against us, as long as i have You with me Allah, You to keep this feeling, I'll be strong. InshaaAllah..
if it's meant to be, Allah will help. Aaaamiiinn..
"Sayang Padli hingga ke syurga"
this Cinta Bersegi-segi
instead writing about Padli. I today feel like wanted to write about her, about adik.
Restlessness.. this guilt.
everytime i know something about them from him, it was too late. i mean, i fell for Padli before knowing about her. I let myself love Padli only then I knew he was in contact with a girl. I asked him if she is his lover, but he refused to tell me the truth, instead he kept saying that " tak tahu, sama ada kekasih atau bukan.. kadang berhubung, kadang tak. jumpa pun jarang" He told me he went to her house during Raya, ONCE, and he EMPHASISED that he attend Raya at her house as a guest- he meant in a way that saying that he was not someone special, just a guest, a friend visiting a friend's house during Raya. And that, "awal perhubungan" he said, "rasa teruja, rasa excited utk kenal dgn adik" but as time goes by, he felt that their contact was flat "perkenalan kami mendatar". that's how a relationship would be. there are phases, phases when you two were madly into each other and then there will come a time when it's been long, the feelings began to drop. I should know that better. but instead, i understood the situation as "Maybe there weren't that serious".
Padli and I kept on contacting each other,despite knowing that i was with Rafie. Contact, I mean trying to develop our feeling. understand each other. I allowed myself too much. I let him in, I put him first and put back Rafie, which is something i shouldn't do, but I did. I let too much.. "terlalu membenarkan.." I rarely ask about adik in the beginning, though I know about her. but because i thought there were not serious, i didnt put too much worry about them, instead, in the beginning, it was about Padli, Rafie and I. I let myself too much to love Padli, that several times, I asked Rafie to just let me go.. but he told me he still want to try, he is staying, that he doesn't want to give up. and I think, I need to give him a chance to prove himself. but my actions did not approve that. I acted cold to him, I seldom text him, instead I regularly texted Padli. in the surface, Rafie is my lover but i treated him like a friend, whereas, Padli is a friend, who I treated as my lover. Irony. I acted irrationally. I allow myself too much to accept Padli.
but funny thing is that, while i was so bersungguh-sungguh to let him to be in my heart that I kept denying Rafie, he was keeping adik, and still asked her to hold on to him. which I knew afterwards, and it really killed my ego. and I only realised this after he told me that adik has let her go. that was on June if i'm not mistaken, some time during Ramadhan.
I can't continue to write anymore.
Restlessness.. this guilt.
everytime i know something about them from him, it was too late. i mean, i fell for Padli before knowing about her. I let myself love Padli only then I knew he was in contact with a girl. I asked him if she is his lover, but he refused to tell me the truth, instead he kept saying that " tak tahu, sama ada kekasih atau bukan.. kadang berhubung, kadang tak. jumpa pun jarang" He told me he went to her house during Raya, ONCE, and he EMPHASISED that he attend Raya at her house as a guest- he meant in a way that saying that he was not someone special, just a guest, a friend visiting a friend's house during Raya. And that, "awal perhubungan" he said, "rasa teruja, rasa excited utk kenal dgn adik" but as time goes by, he felt that their contact was flat "perkenalan kami mendatar". that's how a relationship would be. there are phases, phases when you two were madly into each other and then there will come a time when it's been long, the feelings began to drop. I should know that better. but instead, i understood the situation as "Maybe there weren't that serious".
Padli and I kept on contacting each other,despite knowing that i was with Rafie. Contact, I mean trying to develop our feeling. understand each other. I allowed myself too much. I let him in, I put him first and put back Rafie, which is something i shouldn't do, but I did. I let too much.. "terlalu membenarkan.." I rarely ask about adik in the beginning, though I know about her. but because i thought there were not serious, i didnt put too much worry about them, instead, in the beginning, it was about Padli, Rafie and I. I let myself too much to love Padli, that several times, I asked Rafie to just let me go.. but he told me he still want to try, he is staying, that he doesn't want to give up. and I think, I need to give him a chance to prove himself. but my actions did not approve that. I acted cold to him, I seldom text him, instead I regularly texted Padli. in the surface, Rafie is my lover but i treated him like a friend, whereas, Padli is a friend, who I treated as my lover. Irony. I acted irrationally. I allow myself too much to accept Padli.
but funny thing is that, while i was so bersungguh-sungguh to let him to be in my heart that I kept denying Rafie, he was keeping adik, and still asked her to hold on to him. which I knew afterwards, and it really killed my ego. and I only realised this after he told me that adik has let her go. that was on June if i'm not mistaken, some time during Ramadhan.
I can't continue to write anymore.
Now, at this moment, I still want to believe. That, there is hope. For us, there is hope. Untuk kita, harapan masih ada.
Saturday, 29 November 2014
Introduction After Long Lost No-Updates
hai emut!
it's been a very very very very long time since my last update! oh! i missed a lot! so many things to write about but i missed it!
but it's okay! try my best to recall!
first things first! after all my struggles, after the desperation period. i am now finally a Muslim! like yeah! seriously??! I am already a Muslim! REALLY?!! EMUT?!!! Alhamdulillah~~ no regrets! instead, I am sooooooooooooooo grateful this! Thank u, Allah! I believe in you, I am the "Yang Terpilih!"
despite being thankful, i did not spend my days as a Muslim in a way it is supposed to be.
I troubled myself with conflicts.. feeling. I allowed Padli came into my life and put him somewhere i this heart. my boyfriend? again, i hurt him.. again and again. at the same time, my presence is interrupting his relationship with a girl who i named as "adik". She's a sweet girl. a girl who I don't want to hurt despite my actions does not prove so. what i did.. is hurting her. hurting Rafie as well.
me , today.. ;)
it's been a very very very very long time since my last update! oh! i missed a lot! so many things to write about but i missed it!
but it's okay! try my best to recall!
first things first! after all my struggles, after the desperation period. i am now finally a Muslim! like yeah! seriously??! I am already a Muslim! REALLY?!! EMUT?!!! Alhamdulillah~~ no regrets! instead, I am sooooooooooooooo grateful this! Thank u, Allah! I believe in you, I am the "Yang Terpilih!"
despite being thankful, i did not spend my days as a Muslim in a way it is supposed to be.
I troubled myself with conflicts.. feeling. I allowed Padli came into my life and put him somewhere i this heart. my boyfriend? again, i hurt him.. again and again. at the same time, my presence is interrupting his relationship with a girl who i named as "adik". She's a sweet girl. a girl who I don't want to hurt despite my actions does not prove so. what i did.. is hurting her. hurting Rafie as well.
Friday, 5 April 2013
i write this coz i want to remember this very clearly.
it happened last night during the BIG, but i dont have the chance to write coz i need to wrap my section box inside the teaching kit. furthermore, Nelly and Zidah was here in my room and we did a jamming session altogether.
the BIG last night was so peaceful. despite the heavy rain, I made the effort to come and I was afraid to get a pink letter from the HEP. surprisingly, it turned out to be a meaningful experience.
when I reached there, i saw only few of them were present and they were singing, praising the God. so i joined them.
i heard the song before, but I didnt memorise the lyric. but after they sang it repeatedly, i can actually catch the lyric and I joined. it says " Dia peduli, Dia ...., setiap ... yang kau alami.. " de...de..de.. the lyric is so meaningful and it felt very close to me. and while singing, i was so "feeling" and i feel choked inside my chest. i wanted to cry, but i pretended that i dont care. and then they sang another song, one song after another, all for the purposes of praising God. and me, the lost one. i was holding my tears because i was afraid that the other will see me crying, which is the last thing i want to happen! I prayed.. it's been a while since the last pray. last earnest pray. I can feel that i missed this feeling, this yearning. i miss it. i have been ignoring this feeling for sometime becoz i am so sick of the manipulations and the confusion that this world have created about the truth of God. so sick that i decided to not to care.
but yesterday, seems like God has noticed me once again. He doesn't want me to loose faith on Him and He came to me. I talked to Him. I asked Him, why am i given this test when He knows that this might be very difficult for me to handle. but then i remembered, God will never give you something that is beyond your ability, and for that, I need to have faith. I feel blessed to be the "chosen one" and sad at the same time. blessed for I know God still care about me, sad that I have to deal with this when I thought everything is already at its right place.
why? isnt God is one.. but all these teachings make God look very confusing when actually He is real, clear, and most of all, ONE! Why? why cant I get this answer straight?
it happened last night during the BIG, but i dont have the chance to write coz i need to wrap my section box inside the teaching kit. furthermore, Nelly and Zidah was here in my room and we did a jamming session altogether.
the BIG last night was so peaceful. despite the heavy rain, I made the effort to come and I was afraid to get a pink letter from the HEP. surprisingly, it turned out to be a meaningful experience.
when I reached there, i saw only few of them were present and they were singing, praising the God. so i joined them.
i heard the song before, but I didnt memorise the lyric. but after they sang it repeatedly, i can actually catch the lyric and I joined. it says " Dia peduli, Dia ...., setiap ... yang kau alami.. " de...de..de.. the lyric is so meaningful and it felt very close to me. and while singing, i was so "feeling" and i feel choked inside my chest. i wanted to cry, but i pretended that i dont care. and then they sang another song, one song after another, all for the purposes of praising God. and me, the lost one. i was holding my tears because i was afraid that the other will see me crying, which is the last thing i want to happen! I prayed.. it's been a while since the last pray. last earnest pray. I can feel that i missed this feeling, this yearning. i miss it. i have been ignoring this feeling for sometime becoz i am so sick of the manipulations and the confusion that this world have created about the truth of God. so sick that i decided to not to care.
but yesterday, seems like God has noticed me once again. He doesn't want me to loose faith on Him and He came to me. I talked to Him. I asked Him, why am i given this test when He knows that this might be very difficult for me to handle. but then i remembered, God will never give you something that is beyond your ability, and for that, I need to have faith. I feel blessed to be the "chosen one" and sad at the same time. blessed for I know God still care about me, sad that I have to deal with this when I thought everything is already at its right place.
why? isnt God is one.. but all these teachings make God look very confusing when actually He is real, clear, and most of all, ONE! Why? why cant I get this answer straight?
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