i write this coz i want to remember this very clearly.
it happened last night during the BIG, but i dont have the chance to write coz i need to wrap my section box inside the teaching kit. furthermore, Nelly and Zidah was here in my room and we did a jamming session altogether.
the BIG last night was so peaceful. despite the heavy rain, I made the effort to come and I was afraid to get a pink letter from the HEP. surprisingly, it turned out to be a meaningful experience.
when I reached there, i saw only few of them were present and they were singing, praising the God. so i joined them.
i heard the song before, but I didnt memorise the lyric. but after they sang it repeatedly, i can actually catch the lyric and I joined. it says " Dia peduli, Dia ...., setiap ... yang kau alami.. " de...de..de.. the lyric is so meaningful and it felt very close to me. and while singing, i was so "feeling" and i feel choked inside my chest. i wanted to cry, but i pretended that i dont care. and then they sang another song, one song after another, all for the purposes of praising God. and me, the lost one. i was holding my tears because i was afraid that the other will see me crying, which is the last thing i want to happen! I prayed.. it's been a while since the last pray. last earnest pray. I can feel that i missed this feeling, this yearning. i miss it. i have been ignoring this feeling for sometime becoz i am so sick of the manipulations and the confusion that this world have created about the truth of God. so sick that i decided to not to care.
but yesterday, seems like God has noticed me once again. He doesn't want me to loose faith on Him and He came to me. I talked to Him. I asked Him, why am i given this test when He knows that this might be very difficult for me to handle. but then i remembered, God will never give you something that is beyond your ability, and for that, I need to have faith. I feel blessed to be the "chosen one" and sad at the same time. blessed for I know God still care about me, sad that I have to deal with this when I thought everything is already at its right place.
why? isnt God is one.. but all these teachings make God look very confusing when actually He is real, clear, and most of all, ONE! Why? why cant I get this answer straight?
