Sunday, 30 December 2012
THINGS I TELL MYSELF
terimalah apa pun yang kamu dengar sebagai satu ilmu yang ada dalam dunia. kita sedia maklum sifat dunia ni memang terdiri daripada kepelbagaian. jadi, terimalah apa pun sebagai ilmu. tapi kita terima tidak bermaksud kita boleh ikut/amalkan semuanya. biarlah setiap kita mempunyai cara mereka sendiri untuk memutuskan apa pun mengikut kehendak mereka. dan kita janganlah menilai keputusan seseorang.. biarlah mereka yang layak sahaja yang menilai.
Tuesday, 4 December 2012
The Foundations?
what is my foundation? ok, in this context, I'm actually talking abt RELIGION.
so here's some recall for me to tell me abt my religion. in black and white, i was told I am a Buddhist though my parents are both Christian. how odd? some of my siblings were written in their birth certificates as Christian. even odd huh?! now, here it is!! identity confusion! ha! ha! ha! not funny at all! well, my grandparents are Buddhist. i only remember when i was younger, i used to pray by burning some .... and ask for safety, prosperity, blessing in life, wisdom, health. and i was actually asking in front of a statue. which they say as a symbol. and strangely, my wishes are all granted! (shouldn't i be grateful?) according to what i've been exposed to when i was little, buddhist has many Gods~ Guan Ying, the Chai Shen which gives prosperity and others which i don't know their names. ok! here, i seems like being very disrespectful towards my own religion. however you interpret it, but as a buddhist myself, i am confused and totally reject all these Gods. no! i am nobody to reject Gods, i just reject what i was told to believe in.
as a Malaysian, I grew up mostly in the surrounding of Muslims. my cousins(mother-side) almost 80% of them are all Muslims, and i have this one very religious late uncle which pple known as Haji. Jaffar. i was very close to him when i was little. the intimacy we had was like a father and a daughter. but slowly the distance is gaping as our age increased. normal. however, he was the earliest model to expose to me abt Islam. and then my friends, during primary school, most of them are Christians, and I even thought i was a Christian back then since i am not a Muslim. during my teens, i began to get aware of my religion uncertainty. and i learned more abt Islam than my own religion. which i can say, i know nothing!! i am a Buddha by name who don't believe in what it's principles are.
last year, during moral class. i was given a task to do research abt Buddha. and i saw this "Buddha does not believe in God" i was like, what? this is not what i was told abt. and that Buddha is merely a philosophy. Wau! i should say that, from now on, I am a pagan then. rather than telling others that I am a Buddha which i don't know anything abt it. no! I AM NOT PROUD of it, instead, it is my fault not to seek.
however, i learned abt this one religion, Islam which I think i believe in but still have no faith, no courage to really experience, feel, and understand the religion. and because of my boyfriend, i bent on wittingly unleashed everything that stop me from get to know Islam.
in Islam, everything is Haram unless the things that Allah tells us to do- a Muslim once said.
and because of this "haram" i know, i am not ready to leave my past lives which is very much free from anything. my life before and now, i live by making myself believe that i am a kind person, optimistic, and conscience tells me what is right, what is wrong. wisdom is used to value every actions i took and efforts is needed for success. and, like i said before, i am doing just fine. very fine. i thought i was happy.. i laugh, i feel the warm of the love of my family, friends, boyfriend, the people, i am pretty (;p), i am smart, physically and mentally healthy, i have peoples who like me, admire me, adore me, respect me, i have peoples i look upon to, inspired me; i eat, i sleep, i walk, i talk, i listen very well. looks like i'm living the time of my life, isnt it enough...? BUT NO, i am EMPTY. i am very blessed!! very much blessed! and i want to thank The Creator, The Lord, The God, the only one, who has given all these blessings to me. in the end, the reason i am looking for the truth is to say thanks, give appreciation to God, my God! i want to kneel to Him only to say thanks to Him. only to know that He knew i am very grateful for His Blessings. i want to serve Him, really serve Him and show others how great is He, how kind, how good, how beautiful God is. :)
i knew He knows my urge, the desire to serve Him. so He sent me some friends to bring me closer to Him. and these friends, they are my Muslim friends and Christian friends. see? how God really loves me..? He helps me to be closer to Him. i only realize this today..
God, thank You. I really love You. please, God, show me the right path. show me the right channel to be closer to you. please give me the strength, give me the wisdom to think things through.
so here's some recall for me to tell me abt my religion. in black and white, i was told I am a Buddhist though my parents are both Christian. how odd? some of my siblings were written in their birth certificates as Christian. even odd huh?! now, here it is!! identity confusion! ha! ha! ha! not funny at all! well, my grandparents are Buddhist. i only remember when i was younger, i used to pray by burning some .... and ask for safety, prosperity, blessing in life, wisdom, health. and i was actually asking in front of a statue. which they say as a symbol. and strangely, my wishes are all granted! (shouldn't i be grateful?) according to what i've been exposed to when i was little, buddhist has many Gods~ Guan Ying, the Chai Shen which gives prosperity and others which i don't know their names. ok! here, i seems like being very disrespectful towards my own religion. however you interpret it, but as a buddhist myself, i am confused and totally reject all these Gods. no! i am nobody to reject Gods, i just reject what i was told to believe in.
as a Malaysian, I grew up mostly in the surrounding of Muslims. my cousins(mother-side) almost 80% of them are all Muslims, and i have this one very religious late uncle which pple known as Haji. Jaffar. i was very close to him when i was little. the intimacy we had was like a father and a daughter. but slowly the distance is gaping as our age increased. normal. however, he was the earliest model to expose to me abt Islam. and then my friends, during primary school, most of them are Christians, and I even thought i was a Christian back then since i am not a Muslim. during my teens, i began to get aware of my religion uncertainty. and i learned more abt Islam than my own religion. which i can say, i know nothing!! i am a Buddha by name who don't believe in what it's principles are.
last year, during moral class. i was given a task to do research abt Buddha. and i saw this "Buddha does not believe in God" i was like, what? this is not what i was told abt. and that Buddha is merely a philosophy. Wau! i should say that, from now on, I am a pagan then. rather than telling others that I am a Buddha which i don't know anything abt it. no! I AM NOT PROUD of it, instead, it is my fault not to seek.
however, i learned abt this one religion, Islam which I think i believe in but still have no faith, no courage to really experience, feel, and understand the religion. and because of my boyfriend, i bent on wittingly unleashed everything that stop me from get to know Islam.
in Islam, everything is Haram unless the things that Allah tells us to do- a Muslim once said.
and because of this "haram" i know, i am not ready to leave my past lives which is very much free from anything. my life before and now, i live by making myself believe that i am a kind person, optimistic, and conscience tells me what is right, what is wrong. wisdom is used to value every actions i took and efforts is needed for success. and, like i said before, i am doing just fine. very fine. i thought i was happy.. i laugh, i feel the warm of the love of my family, friends, boyfriend, the people, i am pretty (;p), i am smart, physically and mentally healthy, i have peoples who like me, admire me, adore me, respect me, i have peoples i look upon to, inspired me; i eat, i sleep, i walk, i talk, i listen very well. looks like i'm living the time of my life, isnt it enough...? BUT NO, i am EMPTY. i am very blessed!! very much blessed! and i want to thank The Creator, The Lord, The God, the only one, who has given all these blessings to me. in the end, the reason i am looking for the truth is to say thanks, give appreciation to God, my God! i want to kneel to Him only to say thanks to Him. only to know that He knew i am very grateful for His Blessings. i want to serve Him, really serve Him and show others how great is He, how kind, how good, how beautiful God is. :)
i knew He knows my urge, the desire to serve Him. so He sent me some friends to bring me closer to Him. and these friends, they are my Muslim friends and Christian friends. see? how God really loves me..? He helps me to be closer to Him. i only realize this today..
God, thank You. I really love You. please, God, show me the right path. show me the right channel to be closer to you. please give me the strength, give me the wisdom to think things through.
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