THINGS I TELL MYSELF

terimalah apa pun yang kamu dengar sebagai satu ilmu yang ada dalam dunia. kita sedia maklum sifat dunia ni memang terdiri daripada kepelbagaian. jadi, terimalah apa pun sebagai ilmu. tapi kita terima tidak bermaksud kita boleh ikut/amalkan semuanya. biarlah setiap kita mempunyai cara mereka sendiri untuk memutuskan apa pun mengikut kehendak mereka. dan kita janganlah menilai keputusan seseorang.. biarlah mereka yang layak sahaja yang menilai.

The Foundations?

what is my foundation? ok, in this context, I'm actually talking abt RELIGION.
so here's some recall for me to tell me abt my religion. in black and white, i was told I am a Buddhist though my parents are both Christian. how odd? some of my siblings were written in their birth certificates as Christian. even odd huh?! now, here it is!! identity confusion! ha! ha! ha! not funny at all! well, my grandparents are Buddhist. i only remember when i was younger, i used to pray by burning some .... and ask for safety, prosperity, blessing in life, wisdom, health. and i was actually asking in front of a statue. which they say as a symbol. and strangely, my wishes are all granted! (shouldn't i  be grateful?) according to what i've been exposed to when i was little, buddhist has many Gods~ Guan Ying, the Chai Shen which gives prosperity and others which i don't know their names. ok! here, i seems like being very disrespectful towards my own religion. however you interpret it, but as a buddhist myself, i am confused and totally reject all these Gods. no! i am nobody to reject Gods, i just reject what i was told to believe in.
as a Malaysian, I grew up mostly in the surrounding of Muslims. my cousins(mother-side) almost 80% of them are all Muslims, and i have this one very religious late uncle which pple known as Haji. Jaffar. i was very close to him when i was little. the intimacy we had was like a father and a daughter.  but slowly the distance  is gaping as our age increased. normal. however, he was the earliest model to expose to me abt  Islam. and then my friends, during primary school, most of them are Christians, and I even thought i was a Christian back then since i am not a Muslim. during my teens, i began to get aware of my religion uncertainty. and i learned more abt Islam than my own religion. which i can say, i know nothing!! i am a Buddha by name who don't believe in what it's principles are.
last year, during moral class. i was given a task to do research abt Buddha. and i saw this "Buddha does not believe in God" i was like, what? this is not what i was told abt. and that Buddha is merely a philosophy. Wau! i should say that, from now on, I am a pagan then. rather than telling others that I am a Buddha which i don't know anything abt it. no! I AM NOT PROUD of it, instead, it is my fault not to seek.
however, i learned abt this one religion, Islam which I think i believe in but still have no faith, no courage to really experience, feel, and understand the religion. and because of my boyfriend, i bent on wittingly unleashed everything that stop me from get to know Islam.
in Islam, everything is Haram unless the things that Allah tells us to do- a Muslim once said.
and because of this "haram" i know, i am not ready to leave my past lives which is very much free from anything. my life before and now, i live by making myself believe that i am a kind person, optimistic, and conscience tells me what is right, what is wrong. wisdom is used to value every actions i took and efforts is needed for success. and, like i said before, i am doing just fine. very fine. i thought i was happy.. i laugh, i feel the warm of the love of my family, friends, boyfriend, the people, i am pretty (;p), i am smart, physically and mentally healthy, i have peoples who like me, admire me, adore me, respect me, i have peoples i look upon to, inspired me; i eat, i sleep, i walk, i talk, i listen very well. looks like i'm living the time of my life, isnt it enough...? BUT NO, i am EMPTY. i am very blessed!! very much blessed! and i want to thank The Creator, The Lord, The God, the only one, who has given all these blessings to me. in the end, the reason i am looking for the truth is to say thanks, give appreciation to God, my God! i want to kneel to Him only to say thanks to Him. only to know that He knew i am very grateful for His Blessings. i want to serve Him, really serve Him and show others how great is He, how kind, how good, how beautiful God is. :)
i knew He knows my urge, the desire to serve Him. so He sent me some friends to bring me closer to Him. and these friends, they are my Muslim friends and Christian friends. see? how God really loves me..? He helps me to be closer to Him. i only realize this today..
God, thank You. I really love You. please, God, show me the right path. show me the right channel to be closer to you. please give me the strength, give me the wisdom to think things through.

it's up to me

Allow me to make one thing clear, I thank you for your advice, critiques and comments you gave. I appreciate it, I understand that you care and you did that to keep me in the right track, but please (no offend) I accepted your care with smile but it does not mean that I have to or will do things as you thought I supposed to.  I’ll do what I think best for me and only do something when I am ready. I am living my life very fine now, with love, kindness, optimism, conscience and wisdom (not intelligence, I’m not saying that I am too smart, but wisdom to think). I am just not ready for all that, too manipulative, too confusing. I can’t bear it, I’m not strong or determine enough, yes you can say so.. I am weak! I admit it! So, let it be.. if it’s meant to be, it’s up to me. . 

supposedly, I am doing my revision now. but out of nowhere, I ended up here.  just to update my coming exam. so soon that it will be here in just a blink of eyes. i am not well prepared. i am having a very huge pressure to retain my 3.82 pointer. 

first paper will be language arts on children literature. then Learning Environment and Learner, follow by Methodology and Phonology. 

hmm.. i have so many things to say actually, but my sleepy eyes do not allow me to continue my writing. i am going to stop here, by now, at this moment, when actually i have a lot to pour! well, i should just keep it. plus, it is not a good thing to record. so.. that's it. the end! :)

GAY? LESBIAN?

on this very day, i would like to write on something. writing this is not for the purpose of showing to others but more than as a reminder to me. which i can look back in the future to compare any changes i've made. 

ok, the issue is "homosexuality"

as far as i concerned, homosexuality is strictly prohibited by any religion ( Muslims or Christians, other religion not known, didn't do any research on that). to me, it is a traditions, a belief that most of the people  are holding to- man and man cant be together and it's against the phenomenon. however, in these days, i believe effort to spread the idea that "being a gay or les is ok" is going wide. 

some say, sexual orientation is innate. it's not a choice. but people who believe in God, faithfully believe that it was a choice. people who belive they are gay or lesbian is actually very lucky. God loved them more than others and they are given a huge trial to test their faith.

 a gay friend of mine who have faith in God once told me:  how you feel is not a sin but how you react to it will define it.and he tried his best to restrain himself  not to strayed away from the right track.

I'm so happy for him to have such optimistic view. honestly. when i first know about him being a gay, i was so disgust (which was very prejudice of me, so sorry my friend) back then, i really believe that this world should live in it's supposed to be, like it has always be. where men are meant to be with women and we all are abide to it! saying homosexuality is innate is bullshit and such idea is contaminating the thoughts of innocent minds and encouraging all the gays & lesbians. 

but after reading some comments on an article, such view has changed. 

"It is time for us to be open and not judgemental towards other. if you believe in God, then remind yourself that you are the one that will be judge according to your judgement during your lifetime. Remember, respect others if you want them to respect you."

People are born that way and it’s absolutely ridiculous that there are still a bunch of ignorant individuals who feel that it’s necessary to weed out homosexuality. 

it’s not a choice, you have about as much choice over your sexual orientation as you do your hair colour. Sure you can disguise it but the truth is always there. Was there a day where you had to stop and think “hmm, should I be heterosexual or not? Tough decision, let me think about that”. Didn’t think so.

The sooner people get their heads around the fact that sexual orientation is NOT a matter of choice the better the world will be.

Which straight guys in the right mind would choose to be gay and be ridicule by those self righteous people who condemns them and labels them as disease infected being?

Now let me pop you this infamous question here, “Did you choose to be straight? If so, when was it that you discovered that being straight was your choice?” (:

I am a heterosexual but I do feel sad for people trying to ban or change gay people. Homosexuality is nature. If you are gay you are gay, you cannot change it. If you are not then you are not. People are still people no matter what sexual preference they are into! Period! This is a baseless, unethical judgement.

I sympathized those who have to endure so much pain because of their sexual orientation. however, what can i say is that, i'm not a pro-homosexuality, i still believe that we are given the choice to live, God has given the choice. find way to get close to God and ask for his guidance. yes, easy for me to say coz i'm not at those people's shoes. but God is good, I'm sure He will make it easy for you if you ask him to.. :'( really, i do, you just have to have faith. 

on the other hand, if those people failed to find their way, saying "it's ok, i'm still a friend" is what i can do. i will not look down on them. i admit that human are varied, and to be a gay or les, u're still human, i don't hate them and i accept them as a part of the world and for sure, a creations of the Greatest God; and I love God's creations.

PEACE!